Chauvinist Joke Collection

  1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


  2. Why is a launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.


  3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.


  4. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."


  5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There's a clock on the oven.


  6. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.


  7. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
    A woman that won't do what she's told.


  8. I married Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.


  9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
    I don't like to interrupt her.


  10. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
    Divorced.


  11. Bigamy is having one wife too many.
    Some say monogamy is the same.


  12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    Wedding cake.


  13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus :-
    Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.


  14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust!".


  15. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
    Two mother-in-laws.


  16. Young Son: "Dad, is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
    Dad: "That happens in every country, son."


  17. A man inserted an 'ad' in the local classified paper: "Wife Wanted".
    Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


  18. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."